Prayer in Open D
by Ardvari
Summary: Spoilers for 7x24 Living Doll, Character Death! Once upon a time he had thought the ocean was the heart of the world, drumming out the beat of eternal life.


**A/N: **The angsty muse seems to be back in town... Bad angsty muse. Anyways, the title plus the lyrics at the end are taken from Emmylou Harris. I love her, she's awesome.

**Prayer in Open D**

He sat by the ocean, staring at the waves rolling onto the shore as steadily as a heartbeat. Once upon a time he had thought the ocean was the heart of the world, drumming out the beat of eternal life.

Now, as he let the soft sand slide through his fingers, he didn't believe in eternity anymore. He didn't crave it anymore. He craved peace, he craved sleep. He craved all those things that had eluded him for months.

He wiped his hands on his jeans, feeling the old weariness settle into his bones once more, the weariness he had been trying to leave behind.

That had been the reason for him to come out here. He couldn't deal with the weariness anymore, with the silence of an empty house echoing out his loneliness. And he was lonely; there was no doubt about it. He was as lonely as a person could possibly be.

He had been lonely before, had found solace in his work and hadn't really noticed the silence slowly drowning out life. And then she had entered his life after years of denial, years of her fighting for their love while he had been busy pushing her away. He held so much respect for her for never giving up on him.

Had he known then what would happen, he would have made up his mind sooner_. If only he had known…_ He had loved her, really and truly and deeply loved her but neither his love nor all the medical appliances in the world had been able to keep her with him in this world.

A world he was more than willing to leave behind. There was nothing in it that could convince him otherwise. The scientist in him didn't believe in an afterlife but the catholic in him did, believed in an afterlife where he would be with her again.

The fact that her last words to him had been _I'll call you later_ would mock him until the day they would lay him down into the dusty desert grave beside her. He craved that day so much it made his heart ache. His heart longed for her, pulled him to her grave where he would sit, layers of dry dirt separating him from her ashes.

He had held her hand on the way to the hospital, had told her it was okay as she tried to tell him through tears that she was dying, she was dying and she knew it and he was ignorant to that fact because he didn't want to accept that she was right.

She was dying, she was leaving him and a small, unreasonable part of his brain had believed that if he ignored the evidence of her imminent death she would be alright. If he refused to accept that her wounds were too serious, that she had been out there in the desert for too long she would have no choice but to stay with him.

Of course he had been wrong. Her body had given out on her as her eyes stared into his. She had been scared to die, not because of herself but because of him, the broken man she would leave behind.

Slowly he got up; his knees creaking like a rusty swing set, wiped the sand from his jeans and walked to where he had parked his car. The ocean drummed out its steady beat behind him, slower than his heart but much more reassuring. He wouldn't have minded if his heart decided to stop right there and then. He really had no reason to go on living.

But life wasn't fair like that. He would have to live out his part of eternity without her, would have to let time take care of his wounds. He would have to keep going, visiting her grave with the inscribed poem, a poem that described all those things he had neglected to tell her. The regret that he had only told her he loved her when he had been sure she was asleep would stay with him for as long as he lived.

He unlocked the door of his car, slid into the driver's seat and inhaled deeply. The salty smell of the coastal air would always remind him of the taste of her tears as he had kissed her face one last time. The salty wetness on her cooling skin after her eyes closed forever.

He drove until he reached the glitzy city in the desert, reached the graveyard and sat down beside her tombstone, running a hand over the words etched into the stone. He wished with all his heart that he had told her he loved her while she had looked into his eyes.

_You are my sorrow, you are my splendor_

_You are my shelter through storm and through strife_

_You are the one I will always remember_

_All of the days of my life_

The End.


End file.
